Loved and Forgiven

The past few days have been quite dramatic for me. I have been on the run. Running.  Running right, left and center. I would stop at nothing. If anyone stood on my way, they would get my wrath…which I know is not friendly at all. I had gotten to a point where nothing really mattered. I was obsessed. I guess I was obsessed by making others happy: my boss, my mother, my friends, my colleagues at work, my neighbours, my siblings, everyone around me … obsessed by making the best impression of me to everyone.  Doing my best to beat deadlines and to fulfill their expectations, to be the perfect person for everyone…even if it meant denying myself the most basic needs. Now that am typing this, I think I’ve lived this way all my life.

What was I running after/for/at? The honest truth is:  I don’t know.

I got to a point where I just had to stop.  God had, on several occasions, tried to tell me to stop.  My near-fatal day was too loud for me to ignore His voice.

After that moment, I was left thinking: Is it really worth it? Is this what I was made for? Is there more to life than this?  If I were to leave on that day, would I be missed? Would I be remembered? How would I be remembered?  As the nice obedient girl? Is that all? What am I afraid of? Isn’t it a good thing to be alive? It is good to be alive.

I realized that as long as I am alive, God is not yet done with me. The most important thing is that am alive. Since that near-fatal day, I learnt to accept disappointments from people. Nobody is perfect after all.

God has been speaking to me lately (I’ll have details on this on another post in the near future).  He assures me every day that He loves me - even when I am act too busy for Him. He still loves me even with my sinful nature. He is always craving to talk to me. 

Knowing that He forgave all my sins and forgot all about them brings my eyes to tears. The fact that He continues to forgive me every day is wonderful.  He knows me, He’s my Daddy. He is the only one I have in this world. He knows everything that I go through, my insecurities, my thoughts, my intentions, my secrets, my weaknesses, my fears, my inadequacy, my vulnerability, my future, He knows me in and out. Such knowledge of me is so deep that my mind cannot fathom. Even with all my inadequacies, He still loves me and He desires fellowship with me.  If I were the only sinner in this world, I know He’d still send His only son to die for me and take up my punishment. :’(

 Dear God,

Thank you for forgiving me, and for Your love. I love you, muchly. I want to always live in Your presence every day. I want to bask in your glory forever. I want to feel Your arms around me. I want to feel Your warms, Your heart-beat. I want my heart to beat in-sync with Yours. I give you all of me. Take over. I don’t want to be in control anymore. 

Please guide my heart so that I may always glorify Your Name in everything that I do. Guide me. Search me, God, and know my heart, test me and know my anxious thoughts. Please remove anything in me that is not meant for Your glory. Use me. May my life bring You glory. Let Your love flow through me. Show me Your ways, Ooh Lord.

In Jesus’ Name  I do pray with love and thanksgiving,

Your loving daughter,

Judy

Oh my soul, you have not been left alone. Just trust and know you’re strong enough to carry on. Jesus counted you worthy, so be worthy.

Sometimes Surprises Can Be Disappointing

A story is told about a young married couple whose names are Jim and Della. They are poor but very much in love with each other.

As Christmas approaches, Della wonders what to get Jim for Christmas. She would like to give him a watch chain for his gold watch, but she doesn't have enough money. Then she gets an idea. She has beautiful long hair. So Della decides to cut off her hair and sell it to buy the fancy chain for Jim's watch.
 

On Christmas Eve she returns home, and in her hand is beautiful box containing a gold watch chain which she purchased by selling her hair. Suddenly Della begins to worry. She knows Jim admired her long hair, and she wonders if he will be disappointed that she cut it off and sold it.


Della climbs the final flight of stairs leading to their tiny apartment. She unlocks the door and is surprised to find Jim home and waiting for her. In his hand is a neatly wrapped box containing his gift he purchased for her.

When Della removes her scarf Jim sees Della's short hair, and tears well up in his eyes. But she says nothing. He chokes back the tears and gives Della the gift box.

When Della opens it, she can't believe her eyes. There in the box is a set of beautiful silver combs for her long hair.

And when Jim opens his gift, he, too, is astonished. There inside the box is a beautiful gold chain for his gold pocket watch. Only the does Della realize that Jim pawned his gold watch to buy her the silver hair combs.

Far more beautiful than the gifts is the love they symbolize.

A Near-Fatal Day!

This was prepared on the 28th of February, 2013. I couldn't post it on that day and I have been forgetting to post it since that day.

As usual, I woke up this morning very early, did my daily routine and left my house at 5:55am, to get to the bus-stage near my house at 6:00am. I boarded one of the buses that were competing to get us as passengers.

The road to the city from my house is a super free-way. We were cruising at around 80 mph (OK… maybe 180 mph).  Then this minivan from nowhere comes right in front of us and slows down. There was no way our driver could have applied emergency brakes, otherwise the bus could have rolled. On both sides of our lanes were vehicles.

Our driver swerved within our lane at that speed… at some point, we were riding on two wheels of both sides, each at a time, before the bus stabilized. I was very scared. I was expecting something to happen to our bus…like a crash, or that we would hit one of the vehicles on the road. I thank God for taking care of me, and for the driver… the very confident driver. God, I know you are still God. I love you. I may have my weak moments… unfaithful and sometimes unreasonable. Forgive me. I pray that you may always watch over me… and let everything that I do be for the glory and honor of your Holy Name.

At the end of that scary incident, I realized that life is very short… and that it is very important to thank God for everything that He has endowed us with.  I also realized that it is important to smile, take each day at a time and tell the people that you love what you exactly feel. Don’t with-hold what you feel.

There’s no need to worry, worrying doesn’t change anything. All it does is steal the moment that you have to smile and to make things beautiful.  You don’t want to do that, do you?

I thank God for the fact that I am alive and healthy.

One more thing: Appreciate everyone around you. They’ll not always be there. Enjoy every moment you have with them.

I love you all! I always have! I always will.

Hugs and Kisses!

Judy

No Valentine's Day until Domestic Violence Ends

I am a deeply disturbed, bitter and hurt woman. Last night on Kenyan news was a story about a man that hit his wife’s head twice with an axe. The wife managed to escape with a bloody face. Upon realizing that he was not successful in his mission (which was to kill his wife), he turned to his three children and brutally slit their throats with a knife before hanging himself to death.

Today is Valentine’s Day.  Here is what happens on V-day: A man gets a girl flowers, tricks her to bed (she foolishly jumps into his bed because everyone is doing it, or because a character on her favourite soap opera did it), he gets her pregnant and disappears. The girl is then disowned by everyone; including her parents (mostly because they think she’s a disgrace to the society). She’s left all alone with a protruding belly, later gives birth to a beautiful kids that she struggles to raise by herself. When she becomes slightly stable in life, the same cycle repeats itself on the next nearest Valentine ’s Day (she’s given flowers, tricked into bed again, and you know what happens).

If she’s unlucky,  she sinks into his arms and her arms end up in his sink… she gets married to one of the aliens who kills her children, if not her.

Recently, I witnessed a young man beating up his girlfriend in public, dragging her across the road before showering her with endless slaps. I couldn’t stand the sight. There was nothing I could do, really, mostly because I was in a foreign country. I returned home weeping, for all my daughters, sisters and mothers out there in the world going through this.

Nothing justifies anyone to hit a woman, or a man. Nothing justifies domestic violence.

My message to all ladies:

You are beautifully and wonderfully made. You are expensive. You are a princess. Princesses don’t lower their standards for others to be at the same level with them. You don’t have to be with him. You can do better by yourself.

Think about your children. They know what you go through, they are not blind. You’ve got to be a good example to them. What they see in your marriage is exactly what they think marriage should be. You can only demand their respect by how you live your life.

Don’t look at what he offers. It is not worth the violence (physical & emotional) he subjects you to. He’s not a god. I know it is not easy but Rome was not built in one day. You’ve got to decide if you want to live that way or make your own life. Think about it: most successful women don’t have men around them…or behind them. They have themselves. You can make it big, you don’t need him.  You are whole complete being, you don’t need anyone to complete you.

Don’t forget to pray. In all you do, pray.

I made a vow to myself: No Valentine’s Day for me until domestic violence ends.

Me and God

I have known God for more than half my life. I got saved in year 2000. I re-dedicated my life to God in 2002. I have shared a lot of intimate moments with God. I have seen his faithfulness and wonderful surprises throughout my life.

He has surprised me on numerous occasions...ooh yes, and showered me with His blessings. Sometimes He shocked me, and even spoken to me. He has even scared me senselessly...on numerous occassions. He has made my heart skip a beat, I've felt His warm embrace and even felt pour His love on me. I've been deeply in love with Him, so deeply sometimes thinking about me makes me cry.

I  know He is God, and that He'll always remain to be God. I love Him, always have and always will.

Deep within, I long for fellowship with Him, I no longer want to seek answers from Him. All I want is to feel His arms around me, to have my heart so close to His that I can feel His heart beat. I want my heart to beat insync with His. I want deep intimacy with You, God. Forgive my truant and unfaithful nature. :'(

The loss of a friend

In my freshman year of campus, I was undertaking a statistical course , SMA 160 at Kenyatta University's Lecture Theatre 1. The hall was always full of enthusiastic and ambitious but failure-phobic and scared first-year students. We had been made to believe that we were the cream of the society, and that we had a great future. Everyone would do all it would take to make sure that our promised future comes to reality. We would scramble for the front seats to listen to Dr. Ruttoh's feeble voice and  get the perfect strategic view of his microscopic writings on binomial & normal probability distribution and Cheby Shev's theory.

One class-session still lingers in my mind is one in which I tried switching seats (OK, stealing grabbing someone else's seat). As I was trying to do so, I had a voice from a student that was sitted next to my target seat say "You are being unfair".  I definitely looked up to see who this courageous freshman was. That was the very first day that I met Ephraim, a wonderful male student that became my friend.

In my campus-life, I shared many special academic moments with Ephraim. We were involved in many group-work exercises. He was altruistic, generous and an ideal creative thinker. He always made me think widely and to always challenge and stream-line my focus. He was one of my accountability friends. We shared similar interests, dreams and ambitions.

One of the last moments I spent with Ephraim was right before our graduation. I had just returned to Kenya to prepare for my graduation. We were taking breakfast together at a restaurant as we were catching-up on each other. I vividly remember how excited I was that I had moved out of my comfort-zone after reminding him about what we had discussed right before we left campus. Ephraim had adviced me (earlier-on while we were still in school) about moving out of my parents' house, and how bad it would be if I returned to my parents' house after school. I remember his warm smile after letting him know that he influenced my decision, which is one of my favourite achievements ... no, I actually remember his laughter.

Earlier on this month (while I was away), I got the shocking news that Ephraim had passed-on after a short illness. I felt heart-broken. I felt like I had lost a part of me. I still feel the it. :'(

Ephraim was a humble and respectful young man. He was focussed and wise. Right before his demise, he was a volunteer at a children's home in the outskirts of Nairobi. Kenya has lost a champion, a person that was dedicated to eradicate poverty. I have lost a great and irreplaceable friend.


For the years that I have known Ephraim, there are things that I didn't do that I wish I would have done. For instance, I should have been a good friend to him, just as he was to me. I should have been nicer to him. I should not have always been in a hurry... too much in a hurry to take time to listen to him, or even to accompany him to Catholic church, atleast just once. I should have smiled alittle bit more at him. I wish I gave him more of me. I wish I, atleast, gave him a hug...as a friend (he'd probably have resisted a hug because of how strict he appeared). A simple "I love you" would have sufficed, probably.

Ephraim, I thank God for you, for giving you to us, to me. I really enjoyed every moment, every dream, every ambition and vision with you. God had different plans for us. Who are we to reject God's will?

Rest in peace, Ephraim.

Happy New Year: This could help with new year resolutions

Happy new year!

I always love new years, they always present an opportunity to start over afresh... newly, and to do things differently, and to probably make the old year's wrongs right. At the beginning of every year, I always realize that I am growing older (probably because my birthday is in January)... and that days are moving. Time waits for no king.

 I think that this is the year to take risks, to stand up on your ground and accept the consequences that come along with the risks. Everything is so risky and so scary, and yet at the same time, so beautiful. Maybe the truth is that it shouldn't be easy to be amazing. If it was easy to be amazing,then everything would be. It's the things you fight for and struggle with before earning that have the greatest worth.What wonderful thing didn't start out scary.

Courage isn't the absence of fear, it's just deciding that fear isn't calling the shots anymore.

Letting go of the familiar can be scary. But it frees you up for all the good stuff!

It is important, this year, to be yourself. Being someone else can be tiresome, and its not worth it. Furthermore, who will be you? God had a reason for having you in this world. Don't be someone else.

You cannot have a private relationship in a public arena. You must look to an inner circle of people who really know you. Don’t expect to have that kind of intimate relationship with people who only know you publicly. Do not seek to be understood by the world. I'll not lie. I fear falling in love, and yes, I fear being vulnerable to the person I allow into my heart. I know I suck at giving relationship advice... but here's what I have to say: This year, it is important to be open-minded; keeping in mind that tribe, race, gender (yes, I said gender), age, and beliefs don't fall in love. People do. (If possible, avoid falling in love. It is destructive. The tingly little feeling you get when you like someone is common sense leaving your body. You don't want to lose common sense and reason, do you?).

 It's the things you fight for and  struggle with before earning that have the greatest worth.  This year, fight for what you believe in. Don't rest until you achieve it. In addition to this, be positive. Confess only positive things. As you confess the positive things, believe them.

Faith is believing, saying and acting as if that which doesn't exists is existing already, or has happened. This is very important. Have unshakeable faith in God, and trust Him for that which you want, or need. Then have faith that it will happen. Act. (Faith without action is dead).

Finally brethren: Pray. Pray and pray more.

My theme for the year: Greatness, this is the year of greatness. Achieving great things, unimaginable things. My God is able.

Happy New Year!