Ghosting Friends

We’ve all experienced the inevitable ghosting by a guy. You know, you’re cruising along, things are going well, you’ve been texting every day, maybe even hung out a time or two…when all of a sudden, POOF. He vanishes, into thin air and into the night, leaving you wondering what you did wrong or what could have happened to scare him away and sometimes even checking obituaries because only death itself is a suitable excuse for him literally falling off the face of the earth. (C’mon. We’ve all been there.)

But what about when a friend ghosts?

It seems in this day and age of endless forms of communication, never has it been easier for people, and yes, even friends…to excommunicate themselves from our lives. I recently had this happen to me. A friend who I considered very near and dear to my life, someone I talked to almost daily and hung out with weekly and even traveled with, just one day disappeared from my life. I’ve been in this place in my life where I don’t want to do all the work anymore when it comes to friendships or relationships. I don’t want to feel like I’m making all the effort, doing all the inviting, always reaching out and asking and planning and coordinating. It’s exhausting. And it leaves you wondering “if I stop doing all of the work, would this person still be in my life?” And if the answer to that question is no, then was the relationship ever really that strong to begin with? I guess I got my answer with this particular friendship, because when I stopped being the initiator, the relationship completely fizzled. And that hurts. And left me wondering why I wasn’t more important to this person’s life the way they were to mine. But going through the upheaval that I’ve been through over this past year – all the changes and struggles and growth and BECOMING – it’s taught me more than a little bit about letting go. I don’t want to hold on to people who don’t want and don’t actively choose to be in my life, friends or otherwise. And I might have lost a few friends over the past year as a result of no longer being willing to carry the entire friendship on my back, but was it really a loss? I think some losses are really gains in that we gain back time we were investing in the wrong people and energy spent worrying about why they never seemed to quite reciprocate our efforts and even parts of ourselves that we lost in the frantic efforts to stay in someone’s life who wasn’t doing anything to keep us in theirs.

And so it goes with all people who ghost. A pretty wise woman once said: “Your peace is more important than driving yourself crazy trying to understand why something happened the way it did. Let it go.” (In case you were wondering, that pretty wise woman was me, haha!) So whether it’s a friendship or a relationship…here are a few tips for surviving a ghosting:

• Ask yourself: Did I do anything wrong here? Is there perhaps something that happened that I need to own up to and apologize for? Did I alienate this person in any way? If so, do what you need to do to make it right. Sometimes when we get really honest with ourselves, we realize that our own actions played a role, however, minor, in the other person’s retreat. HOWEVER, I will say this. When someone ghosts and completely vanishes from your life without a trace, typically there was nothing you did to cause it and nothing you could have done to stop it.
• Make peace with the fact that you may never know why they disappeared, stopped texting, stopped calling, and never talked to you again. Maybe they were going through something in their own lives that caused them to isolate themselves. Maybe another friend or relationship came along and distracted them. Maybe they were intimidated by you and didn’t see a place for themselves in your life. Or maybe it was none of the above or all of the above. The point is…you’ll likely never know. So you can beat your head repeatedly into a wall trying to figure out the un-figure-out-able, or you can simply let go and move on with your life.
• Realize that as horrible as this ghosting feels, this person’s retreat from your life does not have to completely devastate you. You have other options, both in love and friendship. Look around at the amazing people already in your life who DO make an effort to be there. Hey! Now you have more time to spend with them. And if you are in need of new people in your life, love and/or friendship might just be a swipe away. You have to be willing to put yourself out there a little and try new things if you want to meet new people. Nothing worthwhile in life was ever achieved by staying safe inside your comfort zone!

At the end of the day, just know that a friend or a romantic interest ghosting says nothing about you and everything about them. If they couldn’t even take the time to explain why they needed to exit stage left of your life, they’re not worthy of being in your life. Don’t hold a place for them. Move on to all the people and relationships and friendships that are rewarding and life-giving and always reciprocal. They are out there, I promise. You just might have to swipe right or left a few times to find them. 

Traditional Roles: Slavery for Women, Lordship for Men

“As long as you're cooking and doing laundry… is all good.” 

This was the cheeky statement from one of my male friends, when I started a discussion about traditional roles in the home. Now, he said that’s the appropriate role for women in a marriage or relationship is. 

For some women, the institution of marriage is just another form of slavery. Men may face the pressure of providing for their home, but women worry about who’s going to do the chores and take care of the children when that time comes. In the article “Marriage: Attractive, Archaic or Irrelevant”by Afiya Ray in Outlish, a man she interviewed said, “I had my wife on probation for 13 years before I decided to go through with this marriage thing… I was able to see that she could wash and cook and her body held up after our child”.  

For obvious reasons, this made some people steups, and while it doesn’t necessarily reflect the views of all men out there, it does remind us that women are judged on their ability to ‘take care’ of a home, in addition to their Coca Cola bottle shape. On the other hand, do men battle with expectations of them being a pseudo butler or that their women will think differently of them, if they can’t fix a bad pipe? I think not.

One friend told me that a ‘friend’ of hers recently told her that he didn’t think she was the kind of woman to come home to cook and clean, since she ran her own business. While he was proud of her ambition, he considered her ‘non-traditional’, and, thus, not necessarily traditional wife material. What pissed her off was that he seemed to consider it to be a big deal, because his mom always ‘took care’ of his father.

“I’m not saying the man can’t cook or clean either,” he added. “But the woman has to do more work.”

Some might say that’s 1950s’ thinking, but in 2017 men and women continue to argue about house roles. For example, when a male friend recently posted a Facebook status, saying that he needed to find a wife ASAP because doing laundry was such a pain, I expected him to get some flack, but the barely contained anger in the responses from some of his female friends surprised even me. 

My theory is that most men want a woman who will do what their mothers did for their fathers. It’s important to note, however, that the majority of these men didn’t grow up with their mothers as CEOs and executives working 11-hour days. I can understand when a man wants, or expects that kind of treatment, because it’s the only example he knows, but admittedly the thought of doing everything I saw my mother do is daunting. 

From a practical perspective, women know the importance of maintaining a clean home and a full belly. However, I think the bone of contention lies with being defined by traditional roles. 

While traditional roles may be a sore point for modern women, for older women, it’s considered the secret to success. When I asked my aunt, who has been married for over 30 years for her opinion, she told me:

“Keep his belly full and his balls empty. Take care of yourself because he ain’t blind, he will look, but he must be able to say that what waiting for him at home is better than what is being offered to him outside.”

I haven’t met a man yet who disagrees with that statement, and I don’t think I ever will, but while I think it makes sense my inner feminist is still a tad peeved by it. This is mainly because I think it implies that the onus is solely on the woman to make a relationship work. 

As a single, twenty-something-year-old woman, I sometimes wish that I had a man around just so I wouldn’t have to do everything in my apartment. Putting together furniture, hanging photos, lifting boxes, disposing of dead mice? Gross! In fact, I’ll gladly do five loads of laundry or cook for ten people before I pick up a hammer.

Most modern women, myself included, expect that our partners will be able to shoulder some of the domestic responsibilities around the house, like cooking and laundry, instead of relaxing, while we do housework. To tell us that this expectation implies that we are not “the type to cook, clean or take care of a man” is an insult. 

My aunt, who I mentioned before, and her husband both work, but if he wants stew chicken for dinner and he ‘gets home’ before my aunt, which is usually the case, he will take the chicken out of the fridge, defrost it and season it, and he will do the dishes afterward. He also helps in other areas, like remembering to put his whites and darks in the appropriate basket so when it’s time for her to do laundry, she doesn’t have to sort his clothes. For sure she handles the cooking and “jamming”, and the responsibilities of five children, but not without his help. 

I think most women would welcome this arrangement, and that any man whose wife or girlfriend has a career would think that sharing responsibilities is only fair. However, it is human nature to stereotype and assign roles based on gender, so frankly I don’t even know if moving away from traditional roles is truly possible unless circumstances demand it. I personally think people should be allowed to do what they’re best at when it comes to domestic chores regardless of gender. If both parties in a relationship work, getting all the chores done will have to be a team effort, especially when you throw kids into the mix. 

In situations where either party doesn’t work and stays at home full time, I think it is fairly safe to assume that the “house husband” or “house wife” will bear the lion’s share of the domestic duties. 

As far as I’m concerned, too many people get all caught up “in love” and forget that “see me and come live with me” are two entirely different things. No one, male or female, should assume that their partner would have the same attitude to traditional roles as they do. People need to be honest in the courtship phase about how important traditional roles are to them. Fellas need to realize that no woman they meet is going to be or do things exactly like mommy, and women need to articulate to their partner what kind of help they expect around the house, early on. When it comes to traditional roles in the home, a little cooperation around the house can go a long way to getting quality “jamming ” on the regular.

Ladies, Learn!

I am not posting this story as a complaint, neither am I posting it to portray my attitude or thoughts on marriage. In fact, I think marriage is beautiful if you involve God in your marriage and if you are with the right person. 

The reason for posting this story on my blog is to let ladies know that they have their own lives and that they should not give up their careers in favour of their husbands "to support the family". This story contains twists and turns which show how culture, patriarchy and law enforcement all work against women.  This story is best if read together with this court case. 

Learn ladies! Learn!

In June 2002, Wendi Wangui and Kevin Latema were married in a colourful church ceremony.  The couple settled down in Nairobi’s Lang’ata estate, in a house which Kevin had been renting. Wendi, though educated and a graduate of the University of Nairobi, had opted to become a house wife so that she could take care of her husband and the children the couple hoped to have.

In March of 2003, while expecting the couple’s first child, Wendi left the matrimonial home and moved in with her sister, Wangechi, who lived in Westlands. Wendi explained to Wangechi that she had left her matrimonial home because she feared for her life and the life of her unborn child. Wendi further explained that the night before she left her home, Kevin had arrived home late in the night and had demanded that she prepare his dinner. She had done so and proceeded to bed. Kevin had followed her shortly thereafter and demanded his conjugal rights. Wendi had declined, saying that the she had been to the doctor’s that day as she had experienced some pain in her abdomen, and the doctor had ordered her to rest and avoid sexual contact because it seemed she had developed some complications with her pregnancy. Kevin had ignored her and proceeded to force himself on her. Wendi had started experiencing some bleeding during the night and Kevin had rushed her to hospital, where she was treated and discharged in the early hours of the morning. However, Wendi said she had left because she feared Kevin. She explained that Kevin had slapped her and shoved her around several times, especially when she questioned him about the family’s finances.

Wangechi then called their mother and explained the situation. Wendi’s mother advised her to go back to her matrimonial home as it was not good to desert her husband.  Her mother said she would talk to Wendi’s in-laws so that they could try and help the couple resolve any issues they were having. Indeed, Wendi’s mother organized a meeting with Kevin’s mother during which meeting Kevin’s mother had requested Wendi to move in with her until the baby was born in order to ensure the safety of both Wendi and the baby. Wendi obliged and moved in with her mother-in-law. The couple’s son was born safely a few months thereafter and Kevin requested that Wendi move back in with him, promising to never hit her again. Wendi agreed and the couple seemed to have resolved any issues that they had.

In July 2004, Kevin, who worked as an Architect running his own firm won a contractual deal with a multi-national company to design an office park. This deal brought in a significant amount of money which enabled Kevin to buy the home in Lang’ata, which was until then rented. Kevin also bought a 5 acre piece of land in Kibiku, Ngong’. He sold his old Toyota saloon car and bought a Mercedes for himself and also a Toyota RAV4 for Wendi.

In 2005, Wendi conceived again. During the course of her pregnancy, she noticed that Kevin would come home late several days a week. When she asked him why he had started coming home late, Kevin slapped her, and told her to mind her own business. Wendi later found out through mutual friends that Kevin had recently started having an affair with a woman he worked with, and that Kevin was in fact in the process of buying an apartment for that woman.  Wendi confronted Kevin with this information, and Kevin had physically assaulted her, leaving her with a bruised face and a broken arm.  Wendi had called her sister Wangechi, who rushed her to hospital. The doctors confirmed that Wendi had also lost the pregnancy.  Wendi had gone to the police station in Lang’ata and reported the assault by Kevin. Although the police held Kevin for several hours and questioned him, he was not charged with any offence. Wendi went back to the matrimonial home and took her son and moved in with her sister. She stayed with her sister for several months, until Kevin’s mother intervened and begged Wendi to return to her matrimonial home, promising to make sure that Kevin would “behave”. Wendi agreed and moved back in with her husband.

In 2006, the couple started constructing a huge palatial home on the piece of land Kevin had bought in Kibiku. The home was completed in 2007 and the couple moved in, while opting to rent out their premises in Lang’ata. The couple was blessed with another child, this time a daughter in 2008. Wendi had also started doing some farming on two acres of land in Kibiku, making a monthly income of Kshs. 50,000 from her farming activities. Wendi was also in charge of ensuring that the rental property in Lang’ata was in good order and that rent was collected.  By 2011, partly due to the income which Wendi was bringing in, the couple had acquired more rental properties in Ngong’ town, comprising of a block of 8 flats on a one acre plot, which was bought at a cost of Kshs. 15 million. 

In January 2014, Wendi discovered that Kevin was still carrying on an affair with the woman from his office. She asked him why he had not ended the affair and Kevin had punched her on the face, breaking her nose. Wendi took the children and resolved to end the marriage. She moved in with her sister for some time, but when one of the rental units she managed became vacant, she occupied that unit. She and Kevin lived separately until January 2015,  when Wendi decided to move to court to officially file for a divorce. Wendi wanted the court to award her full custody the couple’s two children and half of the couple’s property. In June 2015, she was granted a legal separation, but the divorce was not yet finalized. In September, 2015, angry and upset that Wendi was tearing their family apart, Kevin had gone to Wendi’s home to talk to her. Kevin had found Wendi alone in the home and he then begged her to forgive him. Wendi turned him away and asked him to leave. Kevin insisted that Wendi was still his wife and had demanded his conjugal rights. Although Wendi categorically refused, Kevin had still proceeded to have intercourse with her.  Wendi reported the incident to the police, and had wanted the police to charge Kevin with rape. The police said they could not charge Kevin, as he had not committed an offence.

Wendi was shocked by the response the police gave her. She moved back in with her sister, saying that she did not feel safe living by herself as she feared what Kevin might do to her. In November 2015, Wendi met a gentleman named Paul and the two developed a whirlwind romance. Wendi says she thinks she has found true love and wants her divorce from Kevin finalized so that she can settle down with Paul. When Kevin catches news of the affair, he immediately requests his advocate to contest all the prayers that Wendi made in her divorce petition and to indicate that Wendi is to blame for the breakdown of the marriage because she is guilty of deserting their matrimonial home, and had done so several times during the subsistence of their marriage, and that she had committed adultery. 

If you were Wendi, what could you have done differently?

Another one for you!

Dear Future Husband,

I don’t want to kiss a thousand frogs before I meet you. I don’t want to throw myself to just anyone anymore, because no one can compare to you.  I’m not perfect, and I haven’t always treasured what was supposed to be meant for us. I haven’t always been the wisest when it comes to my heart and my temple, but I’ve changed my old ways. Now, I’m holding my body, heart,and soul closely, and I’m willing to wait. Why? Because I love you, and I realize that you are worth the wait. I promise not to let my selfishness get in the way of that any longer.

Sometimes I wonder what you look like, and pray that God would give me a sign. He works in mysterious ways, but not how we think it ought to be. I asked him to show you to me a certain way, but I know every love story is different, and the one He’s writing for us will be unique. I wonder, do you ever think about me? Do you ask God a thousand questions like I do, like where we’ll meet, what’s the first thing we’ll say to each other, and how we’ll know it’s His will for us to be married? Whatever He decides, I can’t wait to meet you, and hope you feel the same way about me too.

Love,

Your future wife,

 Judy

Lessons in Relationships

I sincerely apologize to my ardent readers for my failure make updates in this blog.

I have been doing a lot and going through a lot, mostly stuff to do with work, school and relationships.

Most importantly, I thank God for the gift of life, a sound mind and people.

For today, I will discuss the few lessions that I have learnt from relationships. Most of the things that I have learnt have just been confirmations of quotes made by older people. Here are the lessons:


1. You should never lower your standards to accomodate anyone. As a matter of fact, you should focus on maintaining them or raising them even higher. 

2. If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away. If he doesn't want you, nothing can make him stay. Stop making excuses for a man and his behavior. 

3.  Stop trying to change yourselves for a relationship that's not meant to be. Slower is better.

4. If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is. Don't stay because you think "it will get better." You'll be mad at yourself a year later for staying when things are not better. 

5.  Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you. If something bothers you, speak up. Never let a man know everything. He will use it against you later.

6. Don't EVER make him feel he is more important than you are...even if he has more education or in a better job. Do not make him into a quasi-god. He is a man, nothing more nothing less.

7. You should not be the one doing all the bending...compromise is a two-way street.

The most important of all these lessons is: Be right with God, always, and purpose to be happy. Make an intentional choice of happiness.

 

Don't forget that if one could download a software for free, no one would buy it! This is synonymous to the fact that no one would buy a cow if they have been getting free milk.

 

I love you guys! Thank you!

NGAHIKA NGAI ENDA!

I recently got a call from a certain girl that I schooled with. She was a year ahead of me in primary school.

She insisted that I should get married and that marriage was the best thing that ever happened to her. She was on a quest to convince me that the earlier one gets married, the better. She even did the Math to explain that it’s very important to have children early. As if that was not enough, she also insisted that I should lower my bar a little bit and that getting married now is better before I do further studies… because that would intimidate all my potential husbands.

She acknowledged that I have not had a very good opinion of men and explained that not all men are the same. Some men, like her husband, are good. She completed her call by telling me that she would pray for me to get a husband.

She is not the first one to attack me on the issue of marriage. Others are overly concerned about me not being alone… it’s like am doomed when I am alone.

The craziest thing that has ever happened to me was getting an offer to be a clandestine, or even to be an official second wife!  

My thoughts:

Although I have positively changed my opinion on marriage, thanks to God and Alecia, I absolutely don’t understand why people have been attacking me on the issue of my marriage.

Is marriage an emergency? Am I getting married to make others happy? Am I getting married to fit in the society?

First of all, if a man is intimidated by me, then he’s not the man I am interested in. Secondly, I will not lower my bar. As a matter of fact, I will raise it even higher.

God holds my destiny and He knows who my husband is. He has my life and future in His hands.

I know that He has good plans for me and He constantly reminds me about it in Jeremiah 29:11:

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Therefore, what others say, imply, or think, I am least moved. 

Finally, but most importantly, JESUS COMMANDS MY DESTINY!

All I could do was cry!

I heard church bells ringing, I heard a choir singing

I saw my love walk down the aisle

On her finger, he placed a ring

I saw them holding hands

She was standing there with my man

I heard them promise "'Til death do us part"

Each word was a pain in my heart

All I could do, all I could do was cry

All I could do was cry

I was losing the man that I love

And all I could do was cry

And now the wedding is over

Rice, rice has been thrown over their heads

For them life has just begun

But mine is ending

All, all I could do, all I could do was cry

All I could do was cry

I was losing the man that I love

And all I could do was cry 

Etta James 

I will wait for you!

To my future husband,

I will wait for you.

And I will know you

because when you speak,

I will be reminded of Solomon’s wisdom,

your ability to lead will remind me of Moses,

your faith will remind me of Abraham,

your confidence in God’s Word will remind me of Daniel,

your inspiration will remind me of Paul,

your heart for God will remind me of David,

your attention to detail will remind me of Noah,

your integrity will remind me of Joseph,

and your ability to abandon your own will, will remind me of the disciples,

but your ability to love selflessly and unconditionally will remind me of Christ.

But I won’t need to identify you by any special Matthews

or any special marks,

’cause His Word will be tatted all over your heart.

And you will know me,

and you will find me,

where

the boldness of Esther

meets the warm closeness of Ruth,

where the hospitality of Lydia

is aligned with the submission of Mary,

which is engulfed in the tears of a praying Hanna.

I will be the one,

drenched in Proverbs 31,

waiting for you.

I love you even before I meet you.

Your future wife,

Judy

Thanks Janette...ikz

Vision and Submission

Ladies,

If he doesn't have a vision, he isn't worth your submission.

If he suppresses your vision, he isn't worth your submission.

Don't marry him if he doesn't have a vision and/or if he suppresses your vision.

Please! Don't throw yourself at him!

This one is for the girls.

Stop chasing somebody that doesn’t want you.

Whoever you’re supposed to be with one day, he’ll want you. He will find you, he’ll pursue you, and he’ll not let you go. He’ll do whatever it takes to make your relationship work.

Read the Bible, know your worth. You’re valuable. If you don’t know your worth and your value, someone else will determine it for you.

The Bible says that whoever finds a wife finds a good thing. (Not whoever finds a husband). Woman! Don’t chase that man. Be found. If you chase him, what will happen when you catch him? You’re going to continue to lead and to run that relationship or marriage for the rest of your life!!! That's not how God intended it to be.

Please, Ladies! Don’t throw yourself at a man.

God can write your love story if you let Him! Let Him.