Loved and Forgiven

The past few days have been quite dramatic for me. I have been on the run. Running.  Running right, left and center. I would stop at nothing. If anyone stood on my way, they would get my wrath…which I know is not friendly at all. I had gotten to a point where nothing really mattered. I was obsessed. I guess I was obsessed by making others happy: my boss, my mother, my friends, my colleagues at work, my neighbours, my siblings, everyone around me … obsessed by making the best impression of me to everyone.  Doing my best to beat deadlines and to fulfill their expectations, to be the perfect person for everyone…even if it meant denying myself the most basic needs. Now that am typing this, I think I’ve lived this way all my life.

What was I running after/for/at? The honest truth is:  I don’t know.

I got to a point where I just had to stop.  God had, on several occasions, tried to tell me to stop.  My near-fatal day was too loud for me to ignore His voice.

After that moment, I was left thinking: Is it really worth it? Is this what I was made for? Is there more to life than this?  If I were to leave on that day, would I be missed? Would I be remembered? How would I be remembered?  As the nice obedient girl? Is that all? What am I afraid of? Isn’t it a good thing to be alive? It is good to be alive.

I realized that as long as I am alive, God is not yet done with me. The most important thing is that am alive. Since that near-fatal day, I learnt to accept disappointments from people. Nobody is perfect after all.

God has been speaking to me lately (I’ll have details on this on another post in the near future).  He assures me every day that He loves me - even when I am act too busy for Him. He still loves me even with my sinful nature. He is always craving to talk to me. 

Knowing that He forgave all my sins and forgot all about them brings my eyes to tears. The fact that He continues to forgive me every day is wonderful.  He knows me, He’s my Daddy. He is the only one I have in this world. He knows everything that I go through, my insecurities, my thoughts, my intentions, my secrets, my weaknesses, my fears, my inadequacy, my vulnerability, my future, He knows me in and out. Such knowledge of me is so deep that my mind cannot fathom. Even with all my inadequacies, He still loves me and He desires fellowship with me.  If I were the only sinner in this world, I know He’d still send His only son to die for me and take up my punishment. :’(

 Dear God,

Thank you for forgiving me, and for Your love. I love you, muchly. I want to always live in Your presence every day. I want to bask in your glory forever. I want to feel Your arms around me. I want to feel Your warms, Your heart-beat. I want my heart to beat in-sync with Yours. I give you all of me. Take over. I don’t want to be in control anymore. 

Please guide my heart so that I may always glorify Your Name in everything that I do. Guide me. Search me, God, and know my heart, test me and know my anxious thoughts. Please remove anything in me that is not meant for Your glory. Use me. May my life bring You glory. Let Your love flow through me. Show me Your ways, Ooh Lord.

In Jesus’ Name  I do pray with love and thanksgiving,

Your loving daughter,

Judy

Oh my soul, you have not been left alone. Just trust and know you’re strong enough to carry on. Jesus counted you worthy, so be worthy.