I Give You My All

God,

Wanting nothing, wanting nothing,

All I am and all I have I give to You!

Holding nothing, holding nothing,

All I am and all I have I give to You!

How Far I'll Go

I've been staring at the edge of the water
As long as I can remember, never really knowing why
I wish I could be the perfect daughter or friend
But I come back to the water, no matter how hard I try
Every turn I take, every trail I track
Every path I make, every road leads back
To the place I know, where I can not go, where I long to be

I know everybody on this island, seems so happy on this island
Everything is by design
I know everybody on this island has a role on this island
So maybe I can roll with mine
I can lead with pride, I can make us strong
I'll be satisfied if I play along
But the voice inside sings a different song
What is wrong with me?

See the light as it shines on the sea? It's blinding
But no one knows, how deep it goes
And it seems like it's calling out to me, so come find me
And let me know, what's beyond that line, will I cross that line?

The line where the sky meets the sea? It calls me
And no one knows, how far it goes
If the wind in my sail on the sea stays behind me
One day I'll know, how far I'll go

Psalms 121

 I lift up my eyes to the mountains—
    where does my help come from?

 My help comes from the Lord,
    the Maker of heaven and earth.

 He will not let your foot slip—
    He who watches over you will not slumber;

 Indeed, he who watches over Israel
    will neither slumber nor sleep.

 The Lord watches over you—
    the Lord is your shade at your right hand;

 The sun will not harm you by day,
    nor the moon by night.

 The Lord will keep you from all harm—
    He will watch over your life;

 The Lord will watch over your coming and going
    both now and forevermore.

Psalms 121

Ghosting Friends

We’ve all experienced the inevitable ghosting by a guy. You know, you’re cruising along, things are going well, you’ve been texting every day, maybe even hung out a time or two…when all of a sudden, POOF. He vanishes, into thin air and into the night, leaving you wondering what you did wrong or what could have happened to scare him away and sometimes even checking obituaries because only death itself is a suitable excuse for him literally falling off the face of the earth. (C’mon. We’ve all been there.)

But what about when a friend ghosts?

It seems in this day and age of endless forms of communication, never has it been easier for people, and yes, even friends…to excommunicate themselves from our lives. I recently had this happen to me. A friend who I considered very near and dear to my life, someone I talked to almost daily and hung out with weekly and even traveled with, just one day disappeared from my life. I’ve been in this place in my life where I don’t want to do all the work anymore when it comes to friendships or relationships. I don’t want to feel like I’m making all the effort, doing all the inviting, always reaching out and asking and planning and coordinating. It’s exhausting. And it leaves you wondering “if I stop doing all of the work, would this person still be in my life?” And if the answer to that question is no, then was the relationship ever really that strong to begin with? I guess I got my answer with this particular friendship, because when I stopped being the initiator, the relationship completely fizzled. And that hurts. And left me wondering why I wasn’t more important to this person’s life the way they were to mine. But going through the upheaval that I’ve been through over this past year – all the changes and struggles and growth and BECOMING – it’s taught me more than a little bit about letting go. I don’t want to hold on to people who don’t want and don’t actively choose to be in my life, friends or otherwise. And I might have lost a few friends over the past year as a result of no longer being willing to carry the entire friendship on my back, but was it really a loss? I think some losses are really gains in that we gain back time we were investing in the wrong people and energy spent worrying about why they never seemed to quite reciprocate our efforts and even parts of ourselves that we lost in the frantic efforts to stay in someone’s life who wasn’t doing anything to keep us in theirs.

And so it goes with all people who ghost. A pretty wise woman once said: “Your peace is more important than driving yourself crazy trying to understand why something happened the way it did. Let it go.” (In case you were wondering, that pretty wise woman was me, haha!) So whether it’s a friendship or a relationship…here are a few tips for surviving a ghosting:

• Ask yourself: Did I do anything wrong here? Is there perhaps something that happened that I need to own up to and apologize for? Did I alienate this person in any way? If so, do what you need to do to make it right. Sometimes when we get really honest with ourselves, we realize that our own actions played a role, however, minor, in the other person’s retreat. HOWEVER, I will say this. When someone ghosts and completely vanishes from your life without a trace, typically there was nothing you did to cause it and nothing you could have done to stop it.
• Make peace with the fact that you may never know why they disappeared, stopped texting, stopped calling, and never talked to you again. Maybe they were going through something in their own lives that caused them to isolate themselves. Maybe another friend or relationship came along and distracted them. Maybe they were intimidated by you and didn’t see a place for themselves in your life. Or maybe it was none of the above or all of the above. The point is…you’ll likely never know. So you can beat your head repeatedly into a wall trying to figure out the un-figure-out-able, or you can simply let go and move on with your life.
• Realize that as horrible as this ghosting feels, this person’s retreat from your life does not have to completely devastate you. You have other options, both in love and friendship. Look around at the amazing people already in your life who DO make an effort to be there. Hey! Now you have more time to spend with them. And if you are in need of new people in your life, love and/or friendship might just be a swipe away. You have to be willing to put yourself out there a little and try new things if you want to meet new people. Nothing worthwhile in life was ever achieved by staying safe inside your comfort zone!

At the end of the day, just know that a friend or a romantic interest ghosting says nothing about you and everything about them. If they couldn’t even take the time to explain why they needed to exit stage left of your life, they’re not worthy of being in your life. Don’t hold a place for them. Move on to all the people and relationships and friendships that are rewarding and life-giving and always reciprocal. They are out there, I promise. You just might have to swipe right or left a few times to find them. 

Traditional Roles: Slavery for Women, Lordship for Men

“As long as you're cooking and doing laundry… is all good.” 

This was the cheeky statement from one of my male friends, when I started a discussion about traditional roles in the home. Now, he said that’s the appropriate role for women in a marriage or relationship is. 

For some women, the institution of marriage is just another form of slavery. Men may face the pressure of providing for their home, but women worry about who’s going to do the chores and take care of the children when that time comes. In the article “Marriage: Attractive, Archaic or Irrelevant”by Afiya Ray in Outlish, a man she interviewed said, “I had my wife on probation for 13 years before I decided to go through with this marriage thing… I was able to see that she could wash and cook and her body held up after our child”.  

For obvious reasons, this made some people steups, and while it doesn’t necessarily reflect the views of all men out there, it does remind us that women are judged on their ability to ‘take care’ of a home, in addition to their Coca Cola bottle shape. On the other hand, do men battle with expectations of them being a pseudo butler or that their women will think differently of them, if they can’t fix a bad pipe? I think not.

One friend told me that a ‘friend’ of hers recently told her that he didn’t think she was the kind of woman to come home to cook and clean, since she ran her own business. While he was proud of her ambition, he considered her ‘non-traditional’, and, thus, not necessarily traditional wife material. What pissed her off was that he seemed to consider it to be a big deal, because his mom always ‘took care’ of his father.

“I’m not saying the man can’t cook or clean either,” he added. “But the woman has to do more work.”

Some might say that’s 1950s’ thinking, but in 2017 men and women continue to argue about house roles. For example, when a male friend recently posted a Facebook status, saying that he needed to find a wife ASAP because doing laundry was such a pain, I expected him to get some flack, but the barely contained anger in the responses from some of his female friends surprised even me. 

My theory is that most men want a woman who will do what their mothers did for their fathers. It’s important to note, however, that the majority of these men didn’t grow up with their mothers as CEOs and executives working 11-hour days. I can understand when a man wants, or expects that kind of treatment, because it’s the only example he knows, but admittedly the thought of doing everything I saw my mother do is daunting. 

From a practical perspective, women know the importance of maintaining a clean home and a full belly. However, I think the bone of contention lies with being defined by traditional roles. 

While traditional roles may be a sore point for modern women, for older women, it’s considered the secret to success. When I asked my aunt, who has been married for over 30 years for her opinion, she told me:

“Keep his belly full and his balls empty. Take care of yourself because he ain’t blind, he will look, but he must be able to say that what waiting for him at home is better than what is being offered to him outside.”

I haven’t met a man yet who disagrees with that statement, and I don’t think I ever will, but while I think it makes sense my inner feminist is still a tad peeved by it. This is mainly because I think it implies that the onus is solely on the woman to make a relationship work. 

As a single, twenty-something-year-old woman, I sometimes wish that I had a man around just so I wouldn’t have to do everything in my apartment. Putting together furniture, hanging photos, lifting boxes, disposing of dead mice? Gross! In fact, I’ll gladly do five loads of laundry or cook for ten people before I pick up a hammer.

Most modern women, myself included, expect that our partners will be able to shoulder some of the domestic responsibilities around the house, like cooking and laundry, instead of relaxing, while we do housework. To tell us that this expectation implies that we are not “the type to cook, clean or take care of a man” is an insult. 

My aunt, who I mentioned before, and her husband both work, but if he wants stew chicken for dinner and he ‘gets home’ before my aunt, which is usually the case, he will take the chicken out of the fridge, defrost it and season it, and he will do the dishes afterward. He also helps in other areas, like remembering to put his whites and darks in the appropriate basket so when it’s time for her to do laundry, she doesn’t have to sort his clothes. For sure she handles the cooking and “jamming”, and the responsibilities of five children, but not without his help. 

I think most women would welcome this arrangement, and that any man whose wife or girlfriend has a career would think that sharing responsibilities is only fair. However, it is human nature to stereotype and assign roles based on gender, so frankly I don’t even know if moving away from traditional roles is truly possible unless circumstances demand it. I personally think people should be allowed to do what they’re best at when it comes to domestic chores regardless of gender. If both parties in a relationship work, getting all the chores done will have to be a team effort, especially when you throw kids into the mix. 

In situations where either party doesn’t work and stays at home full time, I think it is fairly safe to assume that the “house husband” or “house wife” will bear the lion’s share of the domestic duties. 

As far as I’m concerned, too many people get all caught up “in love” and forget that “see me and come live with me” are two entirely different things. No one, male or female, should assume that their partner would have the same attitude to traditional roles as they do. People need to be honest in the courtship phase about how important traditional roles are to them. Fellas need to realize that no woman they meet is going to be or do things exactly like mommy, and women need to articulate to their partner what kind of help they expect around the house, early on. When it comes to traditional roles in the home, a little cooperation around the house can go a long way to getting quality “jamming ” on the regular.

Tough Love: You have to be twice as good as them to get half of what they have!

Father: You've gotten yourself into a bit of trouble, daughter, and I'm here to fix it.

Daughter: No.

Father:  [speaking very rapidly] Now listen to me. You raised your skirt and opened your knees and gave it away to a man with too much power. You're not rare. You're not special. Your story's no different than a thousand other stories in this town, so you know how this goes. You could call this in your sleep. First they'll smile, be warm, sympathetic, on your side, letting you know that they will fight for you. They will lull you into a false sense of security. And then, once your belly is exposed, They will GUT you and everyone you know. And they will be swift about it. And by the time you realize you should be fighting back, well, you're already bleeding to death. That is the presidency versus you. Whose victory do you think they will fight for? Whose body do you think they will bury? That is the presidency versus you.

Daughter: He would never

[she's cut off]

Father:  [Mocking] "He would never" You and I both know that he is not in charge. He is never in charge. POWER is in charge. Power got him elected. I know more than you could possibly imagine about things of which you cannot dream. He told you that you would be first lady, and you believed him! Did I not raise you for better? How many times have I told you 'You have to be' - what? You have to be - what?

Daughter: Twice...

Father:  [shouting] What?

Daughter: Twice as good.

Father: Twice as good as them to get half of what they have. Sleeping with that! For God sakes! You know to aim higher. At the very least, you could have aimed for chief of staff, secretary of state! First lady! Do you have to be so mediocre?

Father: [scolding his daughter] Sleeping with that for God's sake! You know to aim higher. At the very least, you could have aimed for Chief of Staff, Secretary of State! First lady! Do you have to be so mediocre?

Father: Money is not a problem. There's always money. Money bought that plane. Money bought the silence of the gentleman who will fly that plane. It contains a passport, a Swiss bank book, a go-file, an entirely new identity. There is a very nice island waiting for you at the end of the flight. You will stay there for eight months. Then I can arrange a place for you in Brussels. Thailand, if you prefer, Johannesburg... anyplace but here, really, as long as you disappear.

Daughter: And what if I don't want to go?

Father: Daughter, you're getting on that plane come hell or high water. And to be clear, I am the hell and the high water.

___Script from Shonda Rhimes___

Face Challenges Head On!

Sometimes life can push you into situations that you don't think you can overcome. It can challenge you in ways that were previously unimaginable. But this is your training ground and that is what will make you great.

The key idea is that when faced with these challenges, you can't run and hide. You can't back away. You can't shrivel back into your comfort zone, for it is only by facing the challenge that you can obtain the benefits of the struggle as a reward for enduring the pain.

Hang in there, you can do it. Keep pushing your boundaries and never sit still. This is one of the keys to success.